Offenses

John Bevere says that expectations are the breeding ground for an offense. I think this is true. When someone does not meet our expectations we build a case in our minds based on our disappointment in them. Sometimes our expectations are unspoken and our offenses are also unspoken. Well, we might tell others how someone let us down but we don’t often talk to the person. But, if and when we do, we let them know how disappointed we are in them and how they let us down. Perhaps this game of expectations is really about us and not about what the other person did. Thus needing to look inside before telling others or that person how disappointed we are.

People get offended because they didn’t get invited somewhere, they didn’t get the promotion they wanted, they didn’t see the results they were looking for, they didn’t get the gift they were hoping for. They get offended if the right person does not say “Hi” to them, if they feel slighted by a clerk or waitress or even if they felt out of the loop on something and the list goes on and on, but what all offenses have in common is they are based on high, usually unspoken, or un-agreed upon expectations. So does that mean if I am offended then that is my fault based on my expectations? Maybe not always but we must be responsible for our expectations and the part they have to play in our offenses.

When I think back in my life to the relational issues I have had they have all been rooted in an unmet expectation, which lead to an offense. I became hurt and offended by someone’s actions because I expected more from him or her. I need to own that in my relationship breakdowns. I placed expectations on others and whether it was right or wrong, that is my responsibility.

If you find yourself carrying unforgiveness and offenses, first look inside and see what kind of expectations you put on that person that contributed to you becoming offended. And if this happens a lot to you, then maybe you need to lower your expectations in others in order to stop those offenses before they start.  You see if we can lower our expectations on others we can minimize the effect that someone else’s decision has on us.

God created us to be dependent on others, yet not so dependent on others that they complete or define us. When we become Christians we realize that we need to be dependent on God for strength and that our identity is rooted in Him. The greater dependency we have in others, the higher expectations we put on them to fulfill our needs. If you are looking to people to fill a need inside you, then your fulfillment is based on them and not in God, thus setting you up for many disappointments. When our true dependency is in God others will not easily offend us. We need to exercise faith in people and the choices they make instead of trying to control them through expectations, just as God does with us. He gives us the space to choose what we do; He does not control our decisions with expectations. The more secure you are, the less expectations you have on others because you are not dependent on others to make you happy.

Can you think of a time that you were offended? Was your offense based in unmet expectations? Can you take some responsibility for that offense? Do you have a dependency on others to make you happy?

Remember I am not talking about if you are being abused or mistreated, that is not your responsibility. Your safety and the safety of your children come first.  Tomorrow we are going to talk about How to have healthy expectations.

Comments

[Lori]

Sarah,
It's empowering to take some responsibility.

[sarah]

I can think of a few instances where I was offended due to my own expectations towards somebody else. An example was, I went through a time when I was changing my mind every couple of days about what courses I wanted to take, what I was going to do with the rest of my life. One time Stuart came home from work and I was really excited to tell him about my new idea. (i don't even remember which one it was now!) I told him and he said, "well I don't want to put money into that right now, because when you change your mind it will be wasted." Mind you, he may have had a bit more grace but what he said was true. I was very offended that he didn't believe in me to do whatever it is I had proposed. I didn't want to admit own wishy washy tendancies, and wanted Stuart to remain confident in my abilities even when I wasn't showing strength or consistancy. He is only human and he had expectations of me that I didn't fill. I had to ask God for guidance in "sticking things out" and I had to ask God to soften my heart to Stuart because I was so offended that he didn't meet my suggestion with the same enthusiasm that I had. He did realize later that the delivery could have been cushioned:)
Don't know if this is really what you are getting at... hope so.
Love Sarah

[Lori]

John,
Thanks alot. It's an empowering way to live. We are not victims right?

I am enjoying your blog too. You always make me think.

[John Smulo]

Lori,

These are very wise thoughts. These questions especially grabbed me:

"Can you think of a time that you were offended? Was your offense based in unmet expectations? Can you take some responsibility for that offense? Do you have a dependency on others to make you happy?"

Very insightful. I think we need to look to what is going on within ourselves that provokes offense before putting blame on others.